Mauvaise Foi

I finally saw Eraserhead on Saturday morning. Max and I went to Hamburg to check it out, and I was definitely weirded out in a way that only David Lynch can weird a person out. What a ride. I really enjoyed the film, and the images he uses–especially the huge heads near the end–were particularly creepy. I’ve heard other filmmakers working for years to cut their film, and to get the product out the way they want, and I understand that kind of dedication. Especially when faced with a littany of people who are telling you “no”, or just shaking their heads in indifference to your product.

Maybe it was the point I’m at right now as I turn a corner in my own creativity, but the story of Lynch’s 6 year ordeal to make this film, and the help he needed to create a vision that quite obviously has everyone’s head twisted trying to fully grasp what they saw, finally began to sink in.  Watching the film, I received a taste of what that desire must feel like to have your vision achieved in the medium you want; to have a completed work that consumes your life, not because of the work, but because of you. I kept asking myself: what do you want?

I came to some conclusions over the past weekend, and that vision is getting clearer. What do I want? I want art.  I want writing. I want togetherness. I want expression. I want freedom. Freedom from myself. A friend let me in on some information later on Saturday, which up until this point I don’t think I was ready to hear. The information wasn’t common knowledge–it turned out I was the victim of a joke and stubbornness–but it taught me a lesson, again. I’m really tired of falling into bad faith. The reason I don’t create enough, or do enough, or procrastinate enough, or achieve enough, or simply be enough, is because I get in my own way. As if I’m hardwired to doubt, put off, distract (how much time did I waste watching this?), and sabotage myself each time I get closer to what I want out of my one chance.  Maybe it will take 6 years of dedication, it certainly has not happened overnight so far. At the very least it will take some dedication, some completed projects, and most importantly a deaf ear turned to what others think.

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